It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
'No' says the neighbor. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?'
The neighbor says, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head. 'No,' he says...
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says 'I’m lonely....
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says...
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it...
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box.
'Father O’Malley,' he says, 'I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.'
'My good man,' says the priest, 'I think you’ve come to the wrong place. You're Jewish, I'm a priest. Why are you telling me?'
The old man says...
A man went to the doctor. 'I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home', he said.
The doctor replied 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?' the man asked.
The doctor replied...
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance...
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says...
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately...
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow.
One snowman turns to the other with a puzzled look and says...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, 'I think my friend is dead! What can I do?'
The operator says 'Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says...
At the end of the funeral service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out...
A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.
After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says his two words: 'More blankets.'
Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, 'More food.'
The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he’s drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, 'I’m leaving.'
'Good,' the head monk replies...
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?'
The first guy says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says, 'I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.'
The last guy replies, 'I would like to hear them say...
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be executed by guillotine. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention and so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, 'Wait a minute...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says...
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. 'Can you tell me how much you charge?', said the client.
'Of course', the lawyer replied, 'I charge $200 to answer three questions!'
'Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?'
'Yes it is', said the lawyer...
Doctor: 'I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's'
Patient: 'Well, ...
An engineering student is sitting on a bench when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, 'Where did you get this beautiful bicycle?'
'Well,' the second engineering student says, 'A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this gorgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want.'
The other engineering student nods and says 'Good choice...
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
'How much for the beer?' the neutron asks the bartender.
'For you?' replies the bartender...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me.'
The man says: 'That's terrible. You go up there and tell him off. Go on...
I'm on a whiskey diet...
So a skeleton walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says...
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job?
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